HELLO, MY NAME IS CHAOS

Hi, My name is…actually to be honest my name is inconsequential,

it really doesn’t matter, I am one of a million others who struggle through life on a daily basis because they struggle to find equilibrium inside their own head.

What I will tell you is that I am a 30-year-old female in England; I am lucky enough to be a biological mother to 3 girls aged 5 and below, a bonus mum to a 7-year-old. I am an almost historian, an almost chef, an almost musician, an almost singer, an almost care home manager, an almost hotelier, almost childminder, an almost soap maker, card maker, seamstress, graphic designer, social media manager, virtual sales consultant…an almost graduate 5 times over and am currently on the 2 years wait list to be assessed for ADHD and Autism.

Over the last 20 years, I have held a lot of labels, not just surrounding my almost accomplishments, but also a lot relating to my mental health and who I am seen to be. I currently have a diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression and have been misdiagnosed twice. Being someone in the mental health arena leaves you open to being labelled as one thing or another, and not all the names I have been given are my favourite, a lot of them have made me feel alone to be honest, but each of them is an important reminder and indicator of how the world see’s people like me, the people who just don’t fit in with the way things “should” be.

Now I want you to remember whilst you read this, that it is reflective, this isn’t a professional research piece, I don’t hold any qualifications, I couldn’t possibly hold qualifications, as I have never finished anything I have started (as I am reminded consistently and repeatedly by those who know me).

No, this is simply, the reflection of a singular person who started noticing they were different from an early age and was forever reminded of it and examined in a hope of understanding me, whilst simultaneously being ostracised for who I am and being made to feel as if I chose to be this way. It is how I remember my journey through one aspect of life up until this point. It isn’t open for interpretation or analysis, although I hazard a guess that it will be. I’m ok with this being judged, and in turn being judged as a person, after all, that is the nature of people, we like to judge. But I would ask that you try to remember this is just me trying to explain who I am, and how my life has been from my perspective, a life which for the most part has been controlled and dictated by who I am. And who is that?  

Well, that my friends is a simple question to answer.

Hello, My name is Chaos.